Happy National Awkward Moments Day!
This is a day I can relate to, as my children say I’m the most awkward person they’ve ever met. I’ve always been awkward; as a teenager I fought against it. As an adult, I have come to fully embrace it; life is far more enjoyable that way.
So in honor of National Awkward Moments Day, and as a tribute to my kids, who have been collecting (and continue to collect) my most awkward, inane, and downright confusing quotes since 2019, here are some of my more awkward moments that have left family members scratching their heads and the nearby public wondering about my sanity over the past seven years.
I also asked Web Mapper GPT to add an absurdity scale and date filter based on Monty Python-esque level of insaneness, so you can filter them by this.
The only time location might matter is the quote regarding: “You abducted my wife!” It is shown in Minnesota somewhere but was actually yelped at a pushy border patrol agent in the Sydney International Airport. There is a longer story, but the short of it… never accuse Australian Border Police of abducting your wife, even if, by definition, you feel like they have. 🙂
I’m not saying any of these are worth reading. But it’s all awkward crap I’ve said while completely sober, and my kids will be appreciative that their years of dad documentation has resulted in some useful self-deprecation. 🙂
Apologies in advance for anything, anyone, anywhere may find offensive. I don’t think there is, but I am anxious as to whether I’ll hear from the Testudines Dentistry Association regarding one or two of the comments.
I sincerely believe everyone has an inalienable right to be offended; but unfortunately, no one has any right not to be offended. 🙂
View Map HereWeb Mapper GPT Single Prompt Conversation
Hi there. I have a list of awkward statements I have made in public or to my family throughout the past six years or so.
I would like to make a minimalist, comical, goofy map for Awkward Moments Day on Wednesday, March 18.
Dataset Prep
My thought is, we give each of these “Ian-isms” in the list a faux lat-long coordinate and date (between October 2019 and January 2026) scattered around Dane County, Wisconsin (particularly in the McFarland Village, Monona, Sun Prairie, and Madison areas), in Duluth, Minnesota (particularly the east hillside region and a few north of town near Island Lake), and in Andover and Plymouth, Minnesota.
Note: the geography and dates should be related. Earlier dates (2019-2022) should be in the Wisconsin places mentioned above. Quotes with dates from 2023-2026 should be in the Andover, Duluth, Plymouth areas. Early quotes on the list should be in Wisconsin (about 1/3 to 2/5ths). Later quotes in Minnesota.
Data Absurdity Level
Please give each quote an absurdity ranking compared to all other quotes in the document based on your knowledge of non-sequtior humor and gags. Some aren’t that funny. Others are insane. A few are outlandish. Give it an Absurdity score based on how likely it is to be said in a Terry Gilliam film, Monty Python sketch, or by Steve Martin. Don’t compare them to those comics specifically, but rank my quotes based on all other Ian quotes. Once ranked in order quantile the quotes from 5 (most absurd) to 1 (most rationale). Then add that score to a new field called Absurdity Level in the dataset..
Symbology
Each comment gets point on the map. Avoid overlapping them too much. If there are a lot of points in one spot, please cluster them.
The point symbol used for these should be a cartoon text bubble with “WTH?!?!” in it. I’ve attached a PNG version of the bubble you may use. It should grow bigger as the person zooms in. Maximum width 25px, minimimum width 9px.
Symbol Interactivity
When the user hovers over or clicks on a symbol, add a highlighter style, pastel, semi-transparent light blue around the icon symbol and have a tooltip (text is right-aligned) protrude -1x, -1y from the end of the dialogue pointer on the bubble. Have the tooltip top be level with -1x, -1y coordinate above. And have the quote extend outward from there over a yellow-post-it note style background. The font used here should be marker or Sharpie style, though not necessarily bold. Feel free to use any Google Fonts you like. Underneath the quote, show the date.
Title
The title should be “Crap Ian’s (Actually) Said” It should be an action cartoon style title, splashing across the upper left of the map, two lines. Use cartoony display font, please, and some dramatic styling or beveling to make it look like a comic title of sorts.
Somewhere, perhasp in the lower left or lower right of the map, but not covering the data in McFarland area of Wisconsin, add a subtitle in Comicbook font that says: “In this map: documented ‘Ian-speak’ that the Muehlenhaus Family is still trying to decipher.” Much smaller font but same style and fitting the aesthetic.
Basemap
Please find a minimalist, light gray basemap to use that centers and is restricted to showing only the upper midwest where these awkward statements have been uttered (Minnesota, Wisconsin).
Over the light gray or positron basemap, please add a white mask at about 60% transparency that will hide most of the underlying details. I want the icons and statements to pop, since the locations are made up and guesttimated anyway.
Basemap interactivity
Again, restrict panning to the upper midwest. Do not allow someone to zoom out beyond the extent of the data plus 5-degrees lat long any direction. Do not allow people to zoom all the way in on the map. The furthest they should be able to zoom is to the point where every quote is individual and not overlapping.
Sources
In the sources modal, which should be hidden, display attribution for the APIs and base map being used. For family, mention: Muehlenhaus Family collected quotes since 2019. Copyright 2026, Muehlenhaus Family. All Rights Reserved.
Then mention Web Mapper GPT once.
Filters
Somewhere inconspicuous, you should add filter panel (that starts closed) that is in comic book font. Once open, it should be in comic book font again and allow users to filter points by date range and multi-select absurdity level. When these options are selected, the map should update to show only those points. There should be a “Clear” button in the filter panel that allows the map to be reset.
— Overarching theme of this map is minimalist base map, bombastic title, funny little text bubbles, colorful quotes, and a complete, quixotic embrace of the absurdity of thinking like Ian and being awkward!
Attached Files
- ians_sayings_one_per_line.md
- WTH?!?! SVG map icon created in ChatGPT